The night of the day that mummy and my brother went back (yes they came, for 1 week exactly), I got fever. And on-off headaches since before and after the fever, backaches and sore throat. And so with all these ailments, I am not exactly able to study to the best of my ability. But I suppose because of these ailments, I was granted more rest at last.
I finally took up the book I started but never got to progress on. (How to Have a Mary Heart in a Martha World, belonging to tracy) From there, Jesus seemed to say: "Mila, mila. You are anxious and worried about many things. Come to me and I will give you rest. Take my yoke for it is easy and my burden is light."
Just this morning I was reading the story of the man who was given the task (by God) to bring a wheelbarrow containing 3 rocks up to the mountain. Along the way though, the wheelbarrow gets cluttered with many many things, light and heavy from helping with the burdens of others. As the wheelbarrow gets heavier, the man's joyful and thanksgiving heart is replaced with bitterness, whines and complaints. God then came to meet him and said that all He wanted was for him to carry his own burden. Of course its good to help, but don't do what is too much for you. God never gives more than what you can bear. And leaving all the the things behind, he went on, up to the mountain with only the 3 rocks in his wheelbarrow.
I suppose I have to learn from that. :) I must learn not to keep saying yes and okay to everything. There is a need to keep my spiritual being in check, or I'll end up bitter and blaming God.
As of today, I am 85% recovered (still have sore throat and a bit of headache today, though yesterday I was perfectly fine) and as I recover, I think my spiritual being is also recovering. I do believe that as I recover spiritually, slowly, other aspects of my life will recover too.
Truth to be told, I secretly think I have depression when I am alone. HAHAH. When my family went back, I came home and I finally don't have to hold on to my tears of stress and bitterness anymore and I cried all I want and can. HAHAH. I have been holding it back because I don't want my mummy to fuss.
I have been very unhappy with myself. Feels insecure about appearance, feels fat (but I still want to eat anyway and I abhor it when people judges people who eat at night whenever they are hungry. YES, I am that kind of person but I'd rather go to sleep happy and satisfied than starve myself, thank you very much) feels that my hair is terrible, my complexion terrible, lazy to dress up to school and so feels insecure at times (but I still don't want to dress up too nicely for school because if I dress nicely for school, then the special days to dress up won't be special anymore).
I have been unhappy with others, and bitter that some people are blessed yet they don't see it and keep complaining some more, rubbing my lousiness of my school work at my face. not just school work though, have been unhappy with how some people are.
I have been unhappy with the state of my family, to the extent of bitterness to God. how I can't communicate well with them no matter how much I try. how I cannot have a normal family lifelihood cause their life is there and mine here. its very painful and saddening.
and I have been very very stressed about my studies. God knows how horrendous my GPA is and so I really plan to do well, I plan to really study hard this sem and pull my meagre GPA up. but then I need to do this, do that, go here, go there, there is hardly any time to study! and when I finally have time, I am so tired that I keep falling asleep as I study.
hence I have been very tired about many many things and I feel so weary, bitter and burnt out despite all that I've received in conference and NYC camp.
but that's going to turn around. and I know that even when life sucks so much, God is always good. Slowly, one by one. God will turn it around. I only need to keep holding on to Him. :)
I have some nice moments and rests this week as I recover. :) Cooking and eating breakfast with jingying, lunch with ing and rei, studying at cat socrates with rei, receiving mummy's text telling me to take care and not be stressed (actually she knew all along, i was so touched I teared when I read), making jellyfish for tomorrow's hopekids event. :) I thank God for all of it.
I am going to sleep now :) I haven't done my tutorial and studied my french and japanese. but one by one. I only need to keep holding on to Him. :)
Tomorrow is a day out with the kids! :D
and on Sunday, all afternoon and night is for studying only. :)
Current Music: King of Pride Rock/Circle of Life - Lion King Musical